Unavailable.

Just like that, she retreats to her home realm
her figure in the ocean,
her spirit by the stars,
her remnants with the winds

I have expended much of myself without actively replenishing. My inner being is chaotically housing a frantic shell and crinkled soul. As much as I like to be with people, a time of solitude is necessary for me to develop some introspection and to fill myself back with self-love. So for now, I am unavailable.

It’s tough to remain positive and grateful in dark times, but thanks to the nature of this blog, I am forced to reflect on the good as well. Thanks for keeping me afloat, dear blog. Also, thanks, random photo grid of people in my camera roll, for helping me see my end goals and motivating me to push forward. Cheers to future simple words of gratitude.

Love,
Connie

Disparity.

Myself & Them

“Listen to us.
We know what is best for you.”
My soul sobs as my shell becomes
spellbound by the songs of Them.
Ugh… Forget about being heard,
I only want equilibrium for myself.

I was recently introduced to the dynamic and mesmerizing world of fine art, thanks to a new friend who is quite active within the Los Angeles art community. While supporting him at his solo art show at the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood, I stumbled upon the art exhibit of Yu JinYoung, who’s sculptures represent the social disparities we are often exposed to throughout our lives. This series is called “Myself & Them.” The heavy feeling of responding to the outside world while taking care of our own inner world really resonated within me, as I questioned my life choices and potential trajectories, as well as my own influence throughout my social circle. Oh, the struggles of dealing with the words of others while treasuring the dreams of my inner being, and balancing life. Being human sure isn’t easy, but it’s a gift we must cherish and nurture to the best of our abilities.

Thanks,  Yu JinYoung, for welcoming me into your exhibition and allowing me to bond with your amazing pieces. Through my experience with your art, I am learning how to love myself in this world full of social disparities that continue to challenge my personal values. Also, a thank you to my new friend, for introducing me to his fascinating world. Cheers.

Growing Pains.

It is commonly said that getting started is the hardest part.

So we bit the bullet and dove in. What’s next? Is it smooth sail from here? Hell no. The hardest part is getting started, but that doesn’t mean that things become easy once we begin. What we experience next is resistance. We’ve made changes, we’re trying something new. We’re leaving our comfort zone. The feelings of discomfort and anxiety are our ways of resisting the new obstacles in our lives. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re hurting ourselves. It’s just us experiencing growing pains.

Remember this: “one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon. every search begins with beginner’s luck. and every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested… The darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn.”

How fitting it was to have read a very relevant passage of The Alchemist when I had these thoughts. I hope that this is a reminder to everyone that we shouldn’t give up too soon. So thank you, The Alchemist, for helping me push through my obstacles, and for helping me articulate my thoughts!

It’s All Perception

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” – Hamlet, Shakespeare

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. Our world is so complex, partially because it is created by our unique perceptions of realities. The concept of “good versus bad” was a recurring theme in conversations I’ve had throughout this year so far, but at the end of the day, who gets to determine what is good or bad on our behalf except for ourselves?

Let us respect individualism. There is no right or wrong way of living our lives;  that is entirely up to us to perceive and control. The important thing is to live according to our personal values.

Let us pause and think for a moment before judging the server who has given us subpar service, or a person who is known for their promiscuous ways. Everyone has their own life stories. Let us utilize our thoughts to judge less, respect more. Recognize that even if someone is doing something we don’t necessarily agree with, it doesn’t mean that they’re doing something bad.

Today, I thank the people and interactions that have come and gone pertaining to this theme. These conversations have definitely challenged my way of thinking and life decisions. I hope to continue growing, and intend to hold this quote to heart when I hesitate with obstacles.

One last thing: I think I’m still a good girl.

 

Funeral Chants, Birthday Songs

Today, I attended a funeral, celebrated birthdays, and started to welcome the next zodiac year. Honoring the different milestones today brought me back to the much-needed view of the big picture. I’ve been overthinking about quite minuscule matters lately, so this day full of events was a reminder that we mustn’t always be caught in the details. Ironically, that’s losing focus.

If it won’t matter in a year, then there’s not much of a point in thinking so hard. Let the thoughts pass quickly, and move forward. If it will matter, then take action.

Today, I thank the coincidences and timing of events, for reminding me to not lose myself in the process of overthinking. Sometimes the answers are  simply found at different focal lengths, so we must accommodate various focuses and look at all distances. Cheers.

As an aside, it was definitely odd experiencing such different atmospheres and crowds throughout the day. Also reminds me of how small I am, and how in the end, I don’t matter to the universe.

Hello, 2017!

It may be a “new start” for many, but for me, it’s more like “continuing my journey.” 2016 is now in the past, but many takeaways won’t be easily forgotten. In 2017, I shall build off of 2016, and aim to further grow and understand myself, as well as contribute more to the world. I wish for everyone’s wishes to come true this year. Peace. Love. Good vibes. 🙏

Thanks for always being there for me, time. Cheers to an awesome year! 🎉

As I find some peaceful alone time amidst this bustling holiday, I spread cheer throughout cyberspace. Today, let us recognize our blessings and really live in the moment. Let us give the meaningful gift of paying attention in these rare times that we share with loved ones. Let us carry deeper conversations, and build deeper relationships.

Thank you 💝

Fluke.

I recently had a short staycation at my home turf in Los Angeles. While the change of pace and setting was awesome, I had trouble finding my center and inner peace throughout the adventures. I had lots of fun, but my mind was constantly running a mile a minute. Even when “peacefully” hiking, or enthusiastically driving through the streets, or taking in the beautiful sights, I struggled internally. Looking at the photos, I could see that there was something wrong.

Why? What happened to me? Did I fake death? Or did fate play me?

Actually, there is no excuse, and no use in blaming other factors. Whenever we face obstacles (especially the ones that we create for ourselves), over and/or under the surface, it’s all on ourselves. Being imperfect, there are times when we want to go wild and have fun; and at other times, we just want to hide in our blankets and chill (or sob) on our own. And that’s completely okay. It’s all a part of being… human.

Truth is, because I’ve been thinking so much, I already know the answers to my questions. But today, I choose to own up to myself and go through this by treading forward.

Today, I thank the people who listen to my shit whenever I feel a hurdle. Even though I am emotionally drained, I will always have love to go around. It may be the bane of my existence, but I am willing to go through shit if that means maintaining my love for the people I care about. Thank you so much, guys. I love you. ❤

 

Porteon (Shelter Tour)

Porter Robinson x Madeon’s Shelter Tour was absolutely phenomenal, and was the best live show I have seen so far. The entire experience – the audio, visuals, storytelling, crowd and atmosphere – was amazing and unforgettable. Thanks, Porteon, for the incredible show.

I’ve always been curious about the EDM scene, and I’m so happy that I’ve explored it this year. This was arguably t-h-e EDM concert for fans to see this year, and I’m so grateful to have witnessed the two geniuses band together and take us through such a deep and relatable journey throughout their set. By the end of my experience, I had so many thoughts running through my head. The following are my takeaways:

1. Friendship: As a wanderer since little, I have met many people throughout my life, but building close bonds was always a struggle for me. It wasn’t until this year, post break up, when I started paying closer attention to my social network. For many years, I felt very alone despite always having someone to talk to. It didn’t help that I secluded myself for the four years that I was in a relationship, entirely relying on my companionship with my ex to fill my social life gap. That was a huge mistake on my end. Today, I am happy to have some very close friends of my own who I love dearly. Porter and Madeon’s collaboration made me realize how beautiful and meaningful friendship is, and how blessed I am to have friends to celebrate friendship with.

2. Unity: Yes, there were plenty of people on their phones recording and snapping snippets of the event. Heck, someone even recorded the entire show! But, there was unity in the atmosphere stronger than any other event I’ve been to, and that made the show even more impressive. Even though we are all different and have different views, for these few hours we all spent together, we were all united by a common interest, united by this beautiful pit stop we all made in our lives. I didn’t know 99.9% of the people there, but for a moment during the event, I felt one with everyone’s energy. It was an ironically peaceful feeling.

3. Interest: “What are your interests and hobbies?” This was a big question that I was embarrassed to not know the answer to for many years. Today, I’m very excited to have my own set of interests and hobbies. I knew this was an interest when I pretty much knew all of the songs (titles, too) that were played during the concert. I was first introduced to EDM at one of Madeon’s shows back in January earlier this year. I did not know a single song and had no idea what was going on nor what to do during his set. Seeing Madeon again and knowing every single song this time made me realize the level of impact that EDM has made in my life. I’m actually quite proud of myself for this – having a musical preference, going to an event that I really wanted to attend, and being able to dance (and sing) to every song. Good job, Connie.

For those who have read to this point, let’s take a moment to be thankful for our social group. Let’s also thank the artists we love for their hard work, passion, and ability to link people together. Thanks, Porter Robinson and Madeon, for the beautiful journey. Thanks, dear friends, for being by my side. I’m so happy and grateful to have you all in my life, and hope for many years of friendship to come. I love you all! ❤

 

p.s. I usually like to keep my entries shorter… But, writing this has given me immense joy. Sending out good vibes~

Giving Thanks 

When having a blog about giving thanks, what better day to write an entry than on Thanksgiving?! 

I thank my past, for shaping me to be who I am today. I must say I didn’t always make the best decisions for myself. But then again, without those decisions, I wouldn’t be who I am today. 

I thank my present. I see my current situation and am content. I’m at a good position of growth and aim to live on with the growth mindset and making today the best day it can be, so it sets the tone for tomorrow. There are days that are tougher than others, but the challenges promote growth.

I thank my future. I trust that no matter what decisions I made in the past, and what decisions I make in the now, my future will be (at least) okay.

I thank the people (and pets) in my life, online and offline – loved ones, acquaintances, and strangers – all who came and went, and those who are still in my life now. Thank you for impacting my life. 

I thank me, for having a healthy body, mind, and soul. We’re all in this together, so let’s keep supporting each other through our hardships and accomplishments! 

Finally, I thank life. I thank life for giving me the identity I have, for giving me the home I have. I thank life for the beautiful places and nature. I thank life for allowing me to perceive everything the world has to offer. 

Happy Thanksgiving! Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday filled with love, happiness, blessings, and fun! Stay safe. I love you all! ❤️