When Gratitude Drains You (1)

I am educated
but feel stupid

I have money
but feel poor

I am attractive
but feel ugly

I have strength
but feel weak

I am included
but feel lonely

I have hope
but feel stuck

I am loved
but feel disregarded

I have courage
but feel scared

I am blessed
but feel cursed

I have gratitude
but feel drained

All it takes is a trigger of any level of intensity for the build up of dormant pain to activate and explode. Today, I am thankful to myself for finally getting to dig deep and truly recognize these emotions I’ve been keeping myself from feeling. Although I can barely open my eyes today, I can still see the beauty of the rawness that I am today.

Baby, it doesn’t matter how much you’re

overcast by shadows or how

choppy your waves are

I can still see the light you shed in the

depths of you

First post of 2019. Five-minute poetry that flowed through my brain while overlooking the ocean on the pier. This goes out to all the souls I’ve touched. Thank you for inviting me in.

Unavailable.

Just like that, she retreats to her home realm
her figure in the ocean,
her spirit by the stars,
her remnants with the winds

I have expended much of myself without actively replenishing. My inner being is chaotically housing a frantic shell and crinkled soul. As much as I like to be with people, a time of solitude is necessary for me to develop some introspection and to fill myself back with self-love. So for now, I am unavailable.

It’s tough to remain positive and grateful in dark times, but thanks to the nature of this blog, I am forced to reflect on the good as well. Thanks for keeping me afloat, dear blog. Also, thanks, random photo grid of people in my camera roll, for helping me see my end goals and motivating me to push forward. Cheers to future simple words of gratitude.

Love,
Connie

Disparity.

Myself & Them

“Listen to us.
We know what is best for you.”
My soul sobs as my shell becomes
spellbound by the songs of Them.
Ugh… Forget about being heard,
I only want equilibrium for myself.

I was recently introduced to the dynamic and mesmerizing world of fine art, thanks to a new friend who is quite active within the Los Angeles art community. While supporting him at his solo art show at the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood, I stumbled upon the art exhibit of Yu JinYoung, who’s sculptures represent the social disparities we are often exposed to throughout our lives. This series is called “Myself & Them.” The heavy feeling of responding to the outside world while taking care of our own inner world really resonated within me, as I questioned my life choices and potential trajectories, as well as my own influence throughout my social circle. Oh, the struggles of dealing with the words of others while treasuring the dreams of my inner being, and balancing life. Being human sure isn’t easy, but it’s a gift we must cherish and nurture to the best of our abilities.

Thanks,  Yu JinYoung, for welcoming me into your exhibition and allowing me to bond with your amazing pieces. Through my experience with your art, I am learning how to love myself in this world full of social disparities that continue to challenge my personal values. Also, a thank you to my new friend, for introducing me to his fascinating world. Cheers.

It’s All Perception

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” – Hamlet, Shakespeare

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. Our world is so complex, partially because it is created by our unique perceptions of realities. The concept of “good versus bad” was a recurring theme in conversations I’ve had throughout this year so far, but at the end of the day, who gets to determine what is good or bad on our behalf except for ourselves?

Let us respect individualism. There is no right or wrong way of living our lives;  that is entirely up to us to perceive and control. The important thing is to live according to our personal values.

Let us pause and think for a moment before judging the server who has given us subpar service, or a person who is known for their promiscuous ways. Everyone has their own life stories. Let us utilize our thoughts to judge less, respect more. Recognize that even if someone is doing something we don’t necessarily agree with, it doesn’t mean that they’re doing something bad.

Today, I thank the people and interactions that have come and gone pertaining to this theme. These conversations have definitely challenged my way of thinking and life decisions. I hope to continue growing, and intend to hold this quote to heart when I hesitate with obstacles.

One last thing: I think I’m still a good girl.

 

Funeral Chants, Birthday Songs

Today, I attended a funeral, celebrated birthdays, and started to welcome the next zodiac year. Honoring the different milestones today brought me back to the much-needed view of the big picture. I’ve been overthinking about quite minuscule matters lately, so this day full of events was a reminder that we mustn’t always be caught in the details. Ironically, that’s losing focus.

If it won’t matter in a year, then there’s not much of a point in thinking so hard. Let the thoughts pass quickly, and move forward. If it will matter, then take action.

Today, I thank the coincidences and timing of events, for reminding me to not lose myself in the process of overthinking. Sometimes the answers are  simply found at different focal lengths, so we must accommodate various focuses and look at all distances. Cheers.

As an aside, it was definitely odd experiencing such different atmospheres and crowds throughout the day. Also reminds me of how small I am, and how in the end, I don’t matter to the universe.

Fluke.

I recently had a short staycation at my home turf in Los Angeles. While the change of pace and setting was awesome, I had trouble finding my center and inner peace throughout the adventures. I had lots of fun, but my mind was constantly running a mile a minute. Even when “peacefully” hiking, or enthusiastically driving through the streets, or taking in the beautiful sights, I struggled internally. Looking at the photos, I could see that there was something wrong.

Why? What happened to me? Did I fake death? Or did fate play me?

Actually, there is no excuse, and no use in blaming other factors. Whenever we face obstacles (especially the ones that we create for ourselves), over and/or under the surface, it’s all on ourselves. Being imperfect, there are times when we want to go wild and have fun; and at other times, we just want to hide in our blankets and chill (or sob) on our own. And that’s completely okay. It’s all a part of being… human.

Truth is, because I’ve been thinking so much, I already know the answers to my questions. But today, I choose to own up to myself and go through this by treading forward.

Today, I thank the people who listen to my shit whenever I feel a hurdle. Even though I am emotionally drained, I will always have love to go around. It may be the bane of my existence, but I am willing to go through shit if that means maintaining my love for the people I care about. Thank you so much, guys. I love you. ❤

 

Giving Thanks 

When having a blog about giving thanks, what better day to write an entry than on Thanksgiving?! 

I thank my past, for shaping me to be who I am today. I must say I didn’t always make the best decisions for myself. But then again, without those decisions, I wouldn’t be who I am today. 

I thank my present. I see my current situation and am content. I’m at a good position of growth and aim to live on with the growth mindset and making today the best day it can be, so it sets the tone for tomorrow. There are days that are tougher than others, but the challenges promote growth.

I thank my future. I trust that no matter what decisions I made in the past, and what decisions I make in the now, my future will be (at least) okay.

I thank the people (and pets) in my life, online and offline – loved ones, acquaintances, and strangers – all who came and went, and those who are still in my life now. Thank you for impacting my life. 

I thank me, for having a healthy body, mind, and soul. We’re all in this together, so let’s keep supporting each other through our hardships and accomplishments! 

Finally, I thank life. I thank life for giving me the identity I have, for giving me the home I have. I thank life for the beautiful places and nature. I thank life for allowing me to perceive everything the world has to offer. 

Happy Thanksgiving! Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday filled with love, happiness, blessings, and fun! Stay safe. I love you all! ❤️

Dive In.

Dive in first, then figure things out along the way. If we spend forever trying to figure things out first, and then dive after, then we would never know what today brings, and lose too much precious time. Many lessons are taught through experience, so dive in. 

The words “dive in” was the message that summarized the two weeks of my life where my dad went to Vietnam. During that time, I ran around like a headless chicken, absorbing my dad’s work responsibilities and taking some of mine back from him while he left for Vietnam. All of a sudden, I was bombarded with a bottomless list of tasks. But I didn’t resist. In fact, I asked for this, and while I have felt fatigue at some point, I’m very happy because I learned so much in such a short period of time. I’m glad that I dove into my dad’s life as a small business owner.

It takes some motivation and bravery to dive in. Taking chances and change definitely comes with some anxiousness, so I’m proud of everyone who tries. No matter how big or how little, I encourage all to try someone new.

Thank you, Dad, for finally going on vacation and trusting me. [Thank you, guest speaker, for your motivational words and life stories.] Let’s dive in, everyone!

Water & Earth

Let me feed your soil
with the finest water
nourish your seeds, watch you
sprout past the sky’s limits
into the infinite
where our hearts may connect.

Prompted by some feelings that struck me hard one day, many different thoughts from different places in my life ultimately came together and collaborated to create the piece above. I can relate this to every aspect of my life [work, personal, etc.], and it [hopefully, subtly] expresses what I truly wish for.

Today, I thank Mother Nature, for the rain we’ve been receiving these past couple of days, for the oddly soothing sound of thunder, for the beautiful sunshine that momentarily emerged from behind the gray clouds, and for the rare sight of the sky colored in lovely pastel hues during sunset. Thank you, Mother Nature, for being a creative influence for this poem. Thank you for connecting the following thought: Water nurtures Earth, and Earth grounds water. Things aren’t always smooth as there are times of turmoil between Water and Earth (floods, hurricanes, etc.). But for the most part, they help each other, potentially forming a strong and complementary pair.

[Sending good vibes and love to everyone!]