Unavailable.

Just like that, she retreats to her home realm
her figure in the ocean,
her spirit by the stars,
her remnants with the winds

I have expended much of myself without actively replenishing. My inner being is chaotically housing a frantic shell and crinkled soul. As much as I like to be with people, a time of solitude is necessary for me to develop some introspection and to fill myself back with self-love. So for now, I am unavailable.

It’s tough to remain positive and grateful in dark times, but thanks to the nature of this blog, I am forced to reflect on the good as well. Thanks for keeping me afloat, dear blog. Also, thanks, random photo grid of people in my camera roll, for helping me see my end goals and motivating me to push forward. Cheers to future simple words of gratitude.

Love,
Connie

As I find some peaceful alone time amidst this bustling holiday, I spread cheer throughout cyberspace. Today, let us recognize our blessings and really live in the moment. Let us give the meaningful gift of paying attention in these rare times that we share with loved ones. Let us carry deeper conversations, and build deeper relationships.

Thank you ūüíĚ

Fluke.

I recently had¬†a short staycation at my home turf in Los Angeles. While the change of pace and setting was awesome, I had trouble finding my center and inner peace throughout the adventures. I¬†had lots of fun, but my mind was constantly running a mile a minute. Even when “peacefully” hiking, or enthusiastically driving through the streets, or taking in the beautiful sights, I struggled internally. Looking at the photos, I could see that there was something wrong.

Why? What happened to me? Did I fake death? Or did fate play me?

Actually,¬†there is no excuse, and no use in blaming other factors. Whenever we face obstacles (especially the ones that we create for ourselves), over and/or under the surface, it’s all on ourselves. Being imperfect, there are times when we want to go wild and have fun; and at other times, we just want to hide in our blankets and chill (or sob) on our own. And that’s completely okay. It’s all a part of being… human.

Truth is, because I’ve been thinking so much, I already know the answers to my questions. But today, I choose to own up to myself and go through this by treading forward.

Today, I thank the people who listen to my shit whenever I feel a hurdle. Even though I am emotionally drained, I will always have love to go around. It may be the bane of my existence, but I am willing to go through shit if that means maintaining my love for the people I care about. Thank you so much, guys. I love you. ‚̧

 

Porteon (Shelter Tour)

Porter Robinson x Madeon’s Shelter Tour was absolutely phenomenal, and was the best live show I have seen so far. The entire experience Рthe audio, visuals, storytelling, crowd and atmosphere Рwas amazing and unforgettable. Thanks, Porteon, for the incredible show.

I’ve always been curious about the EDM scene, and I’m so happy that I’ve explored it this year. This was arguably t-h-e EDM concert for fans to see this year, and I’m so grateful to have witnessed the two geniuses band together and take us through such a deep and relatable journey throughout their set. By the end of my experience, I had so many thoughts running through my head. The following are my takeaways:

1. Friendship: As a wanderer since little, I have met many people throughout my life, but building close bonds was always a struggle for me. It wasn’t until this year, post break up, when I started paying closer attention to my social network. For many years, I felt very alone despite always having someone to talk to. It didn’t help that I secluded myself for the four years that I was in a relationship, entirely relying on my companionship with my ex to fill my social life gap. That was a huge mistake on my end. Today, I am happy to have some very close friends of my own who I love dearly. Porter and Madeon’s collaboration made me realize how beautiful and meaningful friendship is, and how blessed I am to have friends to celebrate friendship with.

2. Unity: Yes, there were plenty of people on their phones recording and snapping snippets of the event. Heck, someone even recorded the entire show! But, there was unity in the atmosphere stronger than any other event I’ve been to, and that made the show even more impressive. Even though we are all different and have different views, for these few hours we all spent together, we were all united by a common interest, united by this beautiful pit stop we all made in our lives. I didn’t know 99.9% of the people there, but for a moment during the event, I felt one with everyone’s energy. It was an ironically peaceful feeling.

3. Interest: “What are your interests and hobbies?” This was a big question that I was embarrassed to not know the answer to for many years. Today, I’m very excited to have my own set of interests and hobbies. I knew this was an interest when I pretty much knew all of the songs (titles, too) that were played during the concert. I was first introduced to EDM at one of Madeon’s shows back in January earlier this year. I did not know a single song and had no idea what was going on nor what to do during his set. Seeing Madeon again and knowing every single song this time made me realize the level of impact that EDM has made in my life. I’m actually quite proud of myself for this – having a musical preference, going to an event that I really wanted to attend, and being able to dance (and sing) to every song. Good job, Connie.

For those who have read to this point, let’s take a moment to be thankful for our social group. Let’s also thank the artists we love for their hard work, passion, and ability to link people together. Thanks, Porter Robinson and Madeon, for the beautiful journey. Thanks, dear friends, for being by my side. I’m so happy and grateful to have you all in my life, and hope for many years of friendship to come. I love you all! ‚̧

 

p.s. I usually like to keep my entries shorter… But, writing this has given me immense joy. Sending out good vibes~

Giving Thanks 

When having a blog about giving thanks, what better day to write an entry than on Thanksgiving?! 

I thank my past, for shaping me to be who I am today. I must say I didn’t always make the best decisions for myself. But then again, without those decisions, I wouldn’t be who I am today. 

I thank my present. I see my current situation and am content. I’m at a good position of growth and aim to live on with the growth mindset and making today the best day it can be, so it sets the tone for tomorrow. There are days that are tougher than others, but the challenges promote growth.

I thank my future. I trust that no matter what decisions I made in the past, and what decisions I make in the now, my future will be (at least) okay.

I thank the people (and pets) in my life, online and offline – loved ones, acquaintances, and strangers – all who came and went, and those who are still in my life now. Thank you for impacting my life. 

I thank me, for having a healthy body, mind, and soul. We’re all in this together, so let’s keep supporting each other through our hardships and accomplishments! 

Finally, I thank life. I thank life for giving me the identity I have, for giving me the home I have. I thank life for the beautiful places and nature. I thank life for allowing me to perceive everything the world has to offer. 

Happy Thanksgiving! Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday filled with love, happiness, blessings, and fun! Stay safe. I love you all! ‚̧ԳŹ

Water & Earth

Let me feed your soil
with the finest water
nourish your seeds, watch you
sprout past the sky’s limits
into the infinite
where our hearts may connect.

Prompted by some feelings that struck me hard one day, many different thoughts from different places in my life ultimately came together and collaborated to create the piece above. I can relate this to every aspect of my life [work, personal, etc.], and it [hopefully, subtly] expresses what I truly wish for.

Today, I thank Mother Nature, for the rain we’ve been receiving these past couple of days, for the oddly soothing sound of thunder, for the beautiful sunshine that momentarily emerged from behind the gray clouds, and for the rare sight of the sky colored in lovely pastel hues during sunset. Thank you, Mother Nature, for being a creative influence for this poem. Thank you for connecting the following thought: Water nurtures Earth, and Earth grounds water. Things aren’t always smooth as there are times of turmoil between Water and Earth (floods, hurricanes, etc.). But for the most part, they help each other, potentially forming a strong and complementary pair.

[Sending good vibes and love to everyone!]

How Do You “Unlove” Someone?

You don’t.

Don’t¬†resist. Don’t force.
Simply wish them love and peace
Even from afar.

The way I’m interpreting this question is: How do I¬†stop loving someone because they are no longer in my life and I need to move on? The piece above¬†is my response.

I believe love takes on many different facets of emotions and actions, and its shape is individually unique¬†in every relationship. Love is fluid, its dynamics can shift, and it isn’t mutually exclusive with anything. We can continue to love those¬†from our past without hurting ourselves by wishing them love, backed by¬†the acknowledgement that we are better off and happier without them. Therefore, I don’t believe in “unloving” someone.

Thanks, dear friend, for asking me this interesting question and for reminding me how far I’ve come. I hope my answer is helpful and brings in some new perspective to you. It is possible to move on while loving people of our past. With that said, you’ll get out of the rut you’re stuck in. You’ll be fine.

Gift -2-

Summer orchestrated 
a whimsical musicale,
connecting our notes.

My two weeks between Vietnam and Taiwan continue to leave a strong impression on me. I feel so blessed to have this story in my life: an international summer travel romance with a plot that could easily be the foundation of a best-selling novel or the best upcoming romance film. This poem is my way of expressing our story.

I was fully aware of what I was getting myself into when this gift was presented to me, and I could have rejected it. Yet, even though I knew that I would need to go through another round of healing afterwards, I gave it my all. I am glad that I did so, and I have no regrets. Through this experience, I realized that I am strong in the way that I can be vulnerable and love more than I will ever get back. Despite this, I love anyway, because I feel joy when I love, and the love overpowers the pain. To me, love is worth it.

Thank you for the amazing adventures, Tuan. There are a million things I am thankful to you for, and¬†you know already. You’re such an awesome person and an absolute sweetheart, I only wish you the best in life. Wherever you are and whatever you do, I will always be cheering for you. I love you.

With everything¬†said, to whoever my next partner in crime is: if you accept me (and vice versa), then I will give you my all. You will receive my faithfulness and a love like no other. I (will) love you to the moon and back, looped infinitely. ‚̧

Gift -1-

From the bustling night crawl
You began as my shadow
We strolled the streets aimlessly
Until the veiled sun emerged

Time stood still as I
Looked at the murky river
And saw that beyond doubt, you
Had become my reflection

I’m reflecting back to the time I went to a pub crawl in Bui Vien Street, aka Backpackers Street, Saigon, almost a month ago.

When I came back to Saigon from my jungle and cave trekking expedition, I wasn’t ready to settle back down, so I went with my gut, booked a hostel, and joined Pub Crawl Saigon. For once, I felt like a tourist in Ho Chi Minh City.

A gift was bestowed upon me at the pub crawl. This poem tells the story of our first encounter. Oh, the beautiful memories of when we walked the streets of Saigon, viewed the (very anti-climatic) sunrise at Saigon River, and bonded throughout the course of the day.

The timing was just too unbelievable. Phong Nha has allowed me to test and extend my limits, build my confidence, and curate the self-love that I never truly had for myself. I came out of the experience with so much elation, and I knew that I had fully healed emotionally and taken a major step up in self-discovery. The itch to try new things continued flowing within me and pushed me to attend the pub crawl the night I came back to Saigon. It was as if meeting him symbolized me being awarded for my achievements.

So for those who are feeling lost, know that you can find your way if you put yourself out there and do what you need to do. It takes some trial and error, of course. We often focus too much on the destination that we forget about the journey, when it’s the journey that really shapes us. Therefore, be patient and persevere. Things will look up sooner or later.

Thank you, Vietnam and Tuan, for all of the amazing, life-changing experiences. Thank you so much for the wonderful memories, and for treating me so well!

Comfortably Naked

Today, I visited the famous Beitou Hot Springs in Taiwan. This was my very first time experiencing these heavenly creations, and I experienced them naked. It felt very awkward walking into the hot springs in broad daylight in front of other women who were staring at me while I made my entrance. Though the comfort of the hot springs quickly released me from any discomfort I had about being fully exposed.

As I settled down, I began observing¬†the other women. It was a very interesting sight of mainly ah-ma’s mingling and relaxing. Scars, wrinkles, pudge, other “flaws…” I saw it all. I saw how unique each woman was¬†with¬†their¬†quirky nooks and crannies, marks from previous experiences that have shaped them to be who they are today.¬†Seeing the older women especially allowed me to imagine my body in its elderly years. A wave of gratefulness hit me as I thought about all of the damage that my body has absorbed all these years.

So today, I thank my body for keeping me going.¬†I thank it for surviving in the past, running to let me live in the now, and fighting to give me the best future it can. I will do my best to love and take care of my¬†body, and not be ashamed of my physical appearance. Thank you, my beautiful and unique body. ‚̧