Coexistence

Colors of hope penetrated deep into my grayscale dream

I rose from my slumber and was greeted by this striking scene

Fantasy and reality had collided

And at some point during this time, I realized

That the mastery of coexistence between light and shadow

Is born from life’s highest highs and lowest lows

I’m a believer of balance. Equal force, equal opposite reaction. I practiced so much gratitude and positivism over the past few years, that my growth eventually stagnated because I neglected my shadow side this entire time. I became heavily unbalanced.

There were major events this year that forced my shadow side to emerge. 2019 was my most blissful and painful year yet. However, through the confrontation and exploration of my shadow side, the picture that I’ve painted of myself is now more detailed than ever. There’s a feeling of some inner peace with the acknowledgement that the light and darkness in me are learning to coexist with one another.

I’m grateful for all of the experiences that led me to this point, and for being able to finally face my shadow side. I’m learning to embrace this part of me, and shall proudly carry my new sense of self into this next defining decade. Thank you and cheers!

Unavailable.

Just like that, she retreats to her home realm
her figure in the ocean,
her spirit by the stars,
her remnants with the winds

I have expended much of myself without actively replenishing. My inner being is chaotically housing a frantic shell and crinkled soul. As much as I like to be with people, a time of solitude is necessary for me to develop some introspection and to fill myself back with self-love. So for now, I am unavailable.

It’s tough to remain positive and grateful in dark times, but thanks to the nature of this blog, I am forced to reflect on the good as well. Thanks for keeping me afloat, dear blog. Also, thanks, random photo grid of people in my camera roll, for helping me see my end goals and motivating me to push forward. Cheers to future simple words of gratitude.

Love,
Connie

Disparity.

Myself & Them

“Listen to us.
We know what is best for you.”
My soul sobs as my shell becomes
spellbound by the songs of Them.
Ugh… Forget about being heard,
I only want equilibrium for myself.

I was recently introduced to the dynamic and mesmerizing world of fine art, thanks to a new friend who is quite active within the Los Angeles art community. While supporting him at his solo art show at the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood, I stumbled upon the art exhibit of Yu JinYoung, who’s sculptures represent the social disparities we are often exposed to throughout our lives. This series is called “Myself & Them.” The heavy feeling of responding to the outside world while taking care of our own inner world really resonated within me, as I questioned my life choices and potential trajectories, as well as my own influence throughout my social circle. Oh, the struggles of dealing with the words of others while treasuring the dreams of my inner being, and balancing life. Being human sure isn’t easy, but it’s a gift we must cherish and nurture to the best of our abilities.

Thanks,  Yu JinYoung, for welcoming me into your exhibition and allowing me to bond with your amazing pieces. Through my experience with your art, I am learning how to love myself in this world full of social disparities that continue to challenge my personal values. Also, a thank you to my new friend, for introducing me to his fascinating world. Cheers.

How Do You “Unlove” Someone?

You don’t.

Don’t resist. Don’t force.
Simply wish them love and peace
Even from afar.

The way I’m interpreting this question is: How do I stop loving someone because they are no longer in my life and I need to move on? The piece above is my response.

I believe love takes on many different facets of emotions and actions, and its shape is individually unique in every relationship. Love is fluid, its dynamics can shift, and it isn’t mutually exclusive with anything. We can continue to love those from our past without hurting ourselves by wishing them love, backed by the acknowledgement that we are better off and happier without them. Therefore, I don’t believe in “unloving” someone.

Thanks, dear friend, for asking me this interesting question and for reminding me how far I’ve come. I hope my answer is helpful and brings in some new perspective to you. It is possible to move on while loving people of our past. With that said, you’ll get out of the rut you’re stuck in. You’ll be fine.

Freedom

Something happened within me this past week. I feel different, in a good way. The change is clear.

I spent five days traveling alone to the caves and jungles of Phong Nha Ke Bang, Quang Binh Province, Vietnam, where I took on a nature expedition and immersed myself into the backpackers’ world.

Every single bit of this adventure was new to me, and I learned so much about myself in the process of meeting and hanging out with new individuals from all over the world, trekking through the jungle, swimming in caves, rock scrambling, reflecting under a waterfall, sleeping on dirt under the stars, using the adventurous toilet, and more. The experience was life changing. I have discovered my new preferred way of traveling.

Ever since then, I have felt inner freedom and immense happiness. There was a strong bright light radiating within myself, supported by my own self love. The experience has made me a more open person, and I feel great. So this is what freedom feels like for me…

Thank you to all the people, from those back at home who have been supporting me, to all the individuals who I met here in Vietnam. You have all made a significantly positive impact in my life, and I cannot thank you enough. So, with lots of love and good vibes, thank you. 😁

Sunrise Thoughts

I stayed up all night, awake enough to watch the sunrise in front of Saigon River in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam.

The sun rose
beneath the rainy clouds
layer of smog
the waters muddy
The sun rose

When people plan to observe sunrise, they want a clear view with intense color saturation. The sunrise I observed today was not one that people would go out of their way to see. Yet, there was a sort of beauty to it.

Here’s how I see it: it’s not always clear skies and tranquil waters. Sometimes, we go through muddled rivers and breathe in polluted air, but the sun will always rise. It will always come. We are not our external circumstances, good or bad. What goes on between the earth and sky does not change the fact that we exist, nor do they depict who we are at our cores.

The sun will always rise.

Thank you, Saigon River and company, for welcoming me into your environment. I felt a level of inner peace through viewing your unique sunrise today.

Coexistence

image
Drowning
In the dead winter
he overdosed on
smog
polluted his soul
destroyed.
He chooses darkness
sees tainted ugliness.
Yet, at the core, he has a brilliant soul.
It itches to shine, too petrified to
find freedom.

Healing
In the fresh spring
she was vitalized by the
sun
unclipped her wings
soared.
She chooses light
sees pure beauty.
She forbids the darkness within
from consuming her, peacefully
breathes positivity.

They pity each other.

To a dark one: Thank you for bringing me to reality a bit, and pointing out my ugly side. Through you, I was reminded that we all have light and darkness coexisting within ourselves. I’ve been so caught up in trying to be positive and a saint, that I didn’t see how my actions could have been more harmful than helpful. You have shown me how different human perspectives can be.

Thanks for inspiring me. I have learned from you, and I hope that you have learned a thing or two from me as well.

I see beauty in you. I feel sad for you. I care for you. Most importantly, though, I believe in you. Good luck, boo.

Passion

It is a real challenge (at least for me, it is) to grasp what someone means when they say, “Follow your passion. Do what you want to do.” What if I have lived my entire life up until this point not knowing what my passion is, let alone my hobbies and interests?

I couldn’t continue living like this anymore – being so out of touch with myself, not truly listening, caring about stupid things that made me lose sight of want really mattered. I was scared all my life, so I numbed myself. I lived life like a robot, pretending to be a happy young woman who has it all at such a young age, but is really just an empty shell. But now, slowly but surely, I go at my own pace, open my mind, and gradually figure myself out in this world brought with the difficulties from the paradox of options. I want to find my passions. This journey is not meant to be easy, but I can already see progress in just a span of three months. 🙂

Thank you, Kobe, for proving to me what it looks like to not just follow your passion, but to input your 1000%+ efforts into your passion. You did what you wanted to do, and you made it. Thank you for being an inspiration. Cheers to the legend you are!

Sweetness.

I used to have to order all drinks extra sweet. I instantaneously lost that sweet tooth a few months ago, thinking that losing that sweet tooth symbolized that I had lost the “sweetness” in my life. Even the barely-sweet goods were too sweet for me.

Today, I drank a small portion of pink lemonade, which led me to look back at this odd little sequence in life. Perhaps I didn’t lose the sweetness in my life, it was merely me not seeing how unhealthy I was in mind, body, soul, and spirit. I sought for more and more sweets, yet my cravings remained unsatisfied. I relied on external pleasures (overworking, fattening foods, other people) to make up for what I lacked internally to make myself “happy.”

That was me before. Things are different now. 🙂

Thanks, pink lemonade, for helping me see that I am my own sweetness; and who I am and what I have today is enough.